Through the eyes of an oversized beautie!

Emotions Run Through Twilight

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:00:00 GMT

Okay, so wow….it has been quiet a long time since I last wrote anything on here. But seeing as how I have drank two five hour energies within two hours of one another….I am not going to be sleeping any time soon. Soooo I figured I would write on here…seeing as how my mind wont shut off.

Well tonight was the highly anticipated premier of the Twilight movie and I went and saw the midnight show. First of all, Twilight and the book's three sequels are very, very close to my favorite books of all time, so the movie was something I have been looking forward to a lot. Reading those books is what I hope love feels like. Something powerful, boundless, scary, exhilarating, painful, something just…amazing. Of course being the practical person I am, I am pretty sure it not really going to be like that, but man…would that not just be amazing? To be loved to so deeply, so passionately, and completely, to be utterly consumed by it…..if I could have one real wish in the world, I would wish to find that in kind of love to share with someone.

I know some would probably be scared of such a consuming love, but I could not think of anything I would want more. And do you know what the thing is? The thing is, that that type of love has to existence! No one could write a story, sing a song, or pain a picture of something so deeply moving and emotional if it were not real, if he or she had not experienced it. That type of love might be rare, but it is out there, somewhere and a very few lucky people get to have it.

Reading the Twilight books makes me long for this type of love even more. The movie in one word was corny…but man did I love it! For all the bad acting, and mushy scenes I absolutely loved that movie. Unlike many books turned movies this one keep with the story quiet well using several lines from the book. I loved it…..really I did….and I want to go and see it again. So Vanessa if you are reading this….which I am sure you are, if I do not tell you before hand you will see it here. The movie was extremely corny….but I completely loved it, and you will like how well they kept to the story.

Since I am wide awake and my mind wont shut off I started writing something….again. So I am going to post on here what I have so far…which like always is not very much. But I hope you enjoy it and give me some feedback.

Love to All

Amy

Love comes when one least excepts it. It can be exhilarating and beautiful, heart stopping and painful, scary, and warm. Love is not just some emotion that can be predicted, or calculated, it is a feeling that has no real tools to measured it and no real guide to understanding it. Love is never the same for ever person. How a women loves her father is not the same way she loves her husband.

Not everyone has love in life, but many do, and these people have love in a number of different shades. To be in love is not always fairytale like, or motion picture perfect. It is not like we pretend it to be. People be fall in love…. then out, over and over . There is always more then just one person you can fall for. It is just that some people are lucky…and stay with their first love. But to fall for a person a is something quit different then finding a soul mate. I first fell in love when I was only twelve-years-old and I knew, just knew, that I would never want anyone else.

I had a very strange conception of what affection and love was when I was a kid. My parents were not and still are not what one would call nurturing. They provided for me, and took care of me, but it was more like going through the motions of something that was more expected of them, then out of caring. But knowing nothing else I really did not feel or acknowledge that I was missing out on anything, it was just something that was never there in the first place. By the time I was in junior high and other girls were getting giggly over guys I started to see that I was not really getting something. I kind of thought I was a freak, I did not find any fascination in the opposite sex…or the same one for that matter….we were all just people. If I had known what asexual was back then…then I probably would have thought that was what I was.

But someone showed me that I was far from asexual. Even now the memory of that day is so vivid in my mind, as if it happened just moments ago instead of years. It was the middle of November and in the fall fashion of the mid west it was very cold and very wet. School had been released over an hour before and I still had yet to be picked up by either my parents, they had forgotten. In the need to do something besides sitting on a damp curb I started walking in the direction of my home. The sky was overcast with heavy gray clouds and the drizzling rain was icy as each drop hit the skin of my uncovered hands.

I was walking with no real purpose, not really seeing the road in head of me. I was thinking about Jenna a girl in my class. That day she had excitedly told me and the other girls in the class that she kissed Mark Thomson the so called 'hot guy'. The other girls squealed and started to chatter asking what it was like and how attractive Mark was. I was confused, what was kissing? I spoke this question out loud and I was met with laughs and disbelieving stares. Jenna quickly explained to me what it was after seeing that I was serious.

Kicking a pebble as I trudged along the road I still did not understand what was so exciting about putting your lips to another persons. I mean it was just skin right? It could not be that much different then a hand shake. I had said this to the girls as well, and well…they thought I was weird and immediately excluded me from their little circle talk, not that I care all that much, it was not that interested in hearing all the giggling.

Having been lost in thought I hadn't noticed that I had stopped walking and was now standing on the dock of the lake a few miles from my school. Somehow my feet had brought me here. Out of all the places there were in my town the lake was my favorite, but only in the cold seasons, when most other people tended to not occupy the area. I hated how noisy and crowed it gets in the summer heat.

I looked out over the still water. It was almost like a smooth endless mirror with the occasional rain drop disturbing its surface causing a small circle of ripples. I closed my eyes taking in a deep crisp breath through my nose letting it out slowly savoring it. The cold taste on my tongue the slight warmth of my breath on my skin, the cool breeze turning my cheeks and nose red and icy. I let the quite engulf me, loving the peace.

It's Been a While

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:20:40 GMT

Okay so it has been a crazy long time since I last posted. But now that I am I have a crap load of stuff to tell you. So first things first. I did end up meeting Eric……and it was a really bad idea. Since I am in all basically sick and tired of retelling the story you just get the skinny of it. We met at the mall he was dressed like crap didn’t want to go eat and just wanted to go straight to a Hotel. I told him I wasn’t having sex with him and he said that is fine and me being an idiot believed him. As soon as we got to the hotel he basically tried to ravage me. Me and Vanessa came up with a good lie of her calling me and I bursting into tears over something and left…..then I had had a “fun” chatting session with him online later on….and we no longer talk to one another.

Then not to long after the Eric thing….actually it was the next day. My grandpa had a mini stroke. So I quit my job so I could be home with grandpa once he was released from the hospital. He is doing really well, and if possible even cuter than ever.

Now for the super kick ass awesome news. From June and until hopefully November I will be in Ireland!!!! I for a really amazing website out of Time magazine called Helpx.net. Basically to all I have to do is pay for plane tickets and I will get free room and board for work.

I would be a lot more creative in my writing, but I honestly don’t feel like it. So

A Numbing Pain

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 03:28:18 GMT

So as my most close friends know, my childhood left much to be desired, and did much to fuck me up. I wish my brother was dead, and do feel any pain or regret in loosing contact with him, he is a good for nothing asshole. My dad I feel basicaly the same way for, because he was the start of it all anyway.
   To this day I am royaly fucked up. I can't get close to a guy, everytime we try to go a little farther I get horrible feelings of being dirty, and more. Even just kissing can bring them on, and I don't know if they will ever go away. I hope one day, and one very soon they will, so I can have a normal relationship with a guy, but I don't really see that happening.
   So right now I am in MN, and sitting in V's room just messing around on the net waiting for her to get off of work so we can do a Buffy Fest tonight!!!......Yeah I know super lame, but I love being a geek ^_^ and Spike is some kind of sexy. Anyway I was surfing the net and decied to look up the meaing of names, the meaning of my name Amy, means Beloved in Latin. I am going to hopefuly in the next year or so change my last name, I want nothing to do with my father, and that means getting rid of the burded of his name. Because I looked up my frist name I thought what the hell lets look up my last name even though I hate it. I got some intersting resluts looking up the name Koffel.
   I came across my dad's shop website and it had pics of him and my grandparents, out of natural cureiasity I just decied to look up my dad Scott Koffel. Wow......I feel, sick.....and horribly depressed. On one forum all these people couldn't stop talking about what an awsome and amazing guy my dad is....just giving him all these great complaments. There were even pictures of him, all smiling and looking like a good 'ol guy and all that jazz. I wonder what all these people would think of my dad if they knew the truth about him.
    Looking at my dad's pictures and reading all the nice things about him made me wish so much things were different! Why did he have to be a fucking molseting sicko! Why did he get to go off scott free and leave me fucked up for the rest of my life! Why couldn't I have a dad that was a guy that loved me, and cared about me and wanted to be in my life and be proud of me being in college, and doing well and so on. I look at my friends like Jessie, Ruth and even Vanessa.....all of them have their dad's in their lifes, all of them love their dad's and there dad's love them, even if the said dad is an ass most of the time. If some were to ever happen to any of their fathers they would be sad and cry and visa versa. I have never had that.....and I never will.
    For more then half of my life I have been working at getting stonge and to be able to take care of myself. My mom though a nut case and drives me insane in a very bad way loves me and I love her and has helpped me so much during my life, she has been a parent enought for two. I have condtioned myself to not want to have a dad, to not feel pain for the absence of a father....and you know most of the time it works like a charm......But then there are days like this that I wish things could be like they are in my books....where I had both a mother and a father that loved me. Hell I would even settle for a close friend of mine father taking an intrest in me like and adopted daughter that one of my friend's mom has.....but I don't know if that will ever happen.
   If a man ever loves me and I love him and we decied to get married I hope to all that is powerful that he will have a big family and that he has a good father and mother that have both been active in his life.....so that maybe I can feel the echo of what it is like

Just an Update

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:02:56 GMT

So lately I have been in both a good and not so great mood. The good mood is that now in less then six days I am going to be in MN!!! I am really exctied. I can't wait to get out there(even if I do freez my ass off) to see Vanessa, and to be able to visit Erin. Last time I was in MN it was with my mom and only for three days, if even that. It was a short trip and my mom was a bit of a pain. This time I am going out on my on via plan, and spending a whole week. Though V still has school and work and Erin school as well, I am sure I will still have tons of fun.....and catch up on some class reading myself.

    Also in good news.....or should I say rule braking news. Ruth made some fake ID's for herself and I....or well, herself at the moment more then I. We still need to go back and redo mine. Anyway last friday we went out with Ruth's ID to a club. It totaly passed!!! And after I took off the markings on my hand to indacate that I am underage....yeah no one even stopped me from drinking. The clube we went to was a gay bar, and it was really kick ass. They had a few cool Drag shows, and some intersting charaters, me and Ruth plan on going back there sometime in the future.

   So for my not so good news....it involes men, or one man that is. Not to long ago I was on the phone with Eric and he said he loved me......yeah kind of threw me there a little. I mean I knew he really liked me.....but not that much. Along with that some of the issuse I had with him are being brought back to my mind. cockyness is one of them. I don't mind if your confadent....but I hate cocky. Also Eric is very, very, mushy. I really really hate mushy, I mean really hate it. I don't know why, I mean I am female and I should eat that stuff up....but no I don't like it. It just feels fake to me. I hate how much he compliments me, or says "oh well I think you have a sexy body." Compliments are nice.....but not tons of them....if you keep on stating them over and over again in one converstion, guess what it's annoying and sounds fake. I love arguing with Eric it is one of the things I really like about him, that he will debate with me. But i don't like how he always has to be right, well not right per say. When he makes a good point in an argument I acknowlage that, and say so.....he never does. I don't know wealther it's male ego or pride but it's annoying.

   It just now all of a suddend I am seeing more and more qualities in Eric I don't like. And from the way he talks to me on the phone.....yeah I can't tell he really doesn't get me as well as he thinks he does...and we been talking for quite a while now. I don't know what to do. I hate haveing to talk to someone on the phone everyday for an hour or more....the converstion gets boring and stale. I like my space. Talking on the phone once or twice a week is fine....but anymore just gets annoying. The only people I can talk to more then once a week on the phone and like doing so is Jessie and Vanessa, but they are different.  Also even though Eric says otherwise I am worried about the whole sex thing.....I don't know weahter I want to have it or not yet. And if i do have sex with Eric I have a feeling i will regret it later in life. Look at it this way. Yeah I have really gotten to know and like Eric via phone and email, but we haven't met. When we do finaly meet it will be for less then a mounth and then he is gone again. Honestly if I were to have sex with him in that time I would feel like a trap and that I gave myself away cheaply. I mean we are not dating and there is no way we could possbley actual date so I wouldn't even be having sex with my boyfriend or someone I have been seeing for a while.

    But it's not like I don't like Eric anymore or anything like that. I do I really like him, he is a great guy for the most part and talking to him is fun, and me really makes me feel good about myself most of the time.

I am just really confused on the whole topic and don't know what to do. I want to talk to Eric about it but I don't know how, and I am afried he will be really pissed off or ofended or something. I just don't know what to do, so at the moment I am playing it by ear. Hopefuly something will come to be soon.....because I don't have much time left.

A New Start

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 00:38:46 GMT

Okay so I haven't lost weight sence the frist time I put myself on a diet....which was back in 7th grade. I am not wayyyy over weight....even if I don't really look my weight. But I am sick of it. So as of yesterday I have turned over a new leaf.....and I mean it this time. I looked up some at home workouts to use everyday that I will now do in the morings or evenings depending on the day, along with that a healthier diet. More protien and green stuff ^_^ I really want to stick with this one, not because I think it will get me guys, or I will look prettier....but for myself. So that I don't have to worry about blood pressure medicen at my age, and have bad knees and so on.

So all of you out there please cheer me on! I will weigh myself at the end of every week to see if I have or have not progressed and I will let you know ever week....hopefuly ^_^ I tend to perocrastate when it comes to posting.

I just got done weighing myself with no clothse and I am at excatily 251lbs.....Next week I will give you my weight, then the week after and so on.

So until next time!

Family Matters

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 01:58:07 GMT

Okay so for the last year or so my mom has become something I don't like. She lashes out and hurts me. I don't think I can go throug a week without doing something that displease her to the point of where she completely ignorse my exsitance. Not to long ago....she left me at the ER while I was horribly sick and told me not to come home that night. One mineut I am a beloved and charished daoughter that she is so proud of....the next I am an ungreatful horrible person that she can't stand. This constant tango is wreaking havec on my emotions. I don't know how much more of her I can take. I love my mom, she has done sooo much for me, she has helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. But now a days the only time she ever tells me she loves me is when she has booze in her system, that is also the only time she ever really wants to hug me or be affectionate. It's only at times like theses as well that she tells me how proud she is of me and praises me.

When she is completely dry of alcohole she is usually snappy with me, yells at me for the smallest things....and things that I don't understand. She treats me like I am stupid and just a child yet at the same time tells me that I am an adult and to start acting like one. She is horrible to me and my Grandpa so much, and we don't know what we do to deseirve it, or what we do to trigger this kind of treatment. And I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take.

I envy my friends like Vanessa and Jessie. Vanessa's mom might be crazy, but she loves Vanessa and shows and tells her openly and often. On the other hand she does stuff to hurt Vanessa....but she apolzies sometime.....I can't even remember the last time my mom told me she was "Sorry". Jessie's mom is a true and wonderful mother, who has her bad sides but it is nothing in comparese to my mom's bad side....or even Vanessa's mom.

I feel myself starting to really resent my mom.....to dislike her....and sooner or later this is going to lead me to hate her......and I don't want that. But I wonder now if my mom truly likes who I am, if she turly cares for me. My mom often speaks of Unconditional love, and how that is what she gives. She has told Vanessa this soo many times over the years.....but my mom's love is not uncondtional.....it comes with so many attchments, so many strings, so many standers....and I can't meet thoses standers.

Some people would tell me to pary and ask for God's guidence in this matter. Well guess what? I have done that before....and it doesn't work. That is when people will say, it is all part of God's plan. But honestly? I couldn't give a shit. God can't change what my mother has become, nor can I....only she can....and only if she truly wants to change. Unfourntelly I don't think my mom wants to change.

Do you know what tares me up the most thoe? The fact that once my grandpa is gone she is my only family, and honestly by that time....I wonder if we will even be on speaking terms with one another. I am so scared of being alone. I have Vanessa and Jessie....but soon I will have neither of them close by to help me....to confort me. Jessie's mom care's about me, but I am not close to her, even though she is the closets thing I will have to a mother once mine deserts me. I will probley end up reilying on Jessie's mom alot, but I feel like a burden to her....I am not one of her children. Vanessa's whole family can't really stand me....and if one does.....it is for only short sperts. So I hope to what ever powers are out there to help me find love in a man....and he to love me so that I will have someone to lean on, and hope that his family will accpet me....I think that is why I want a boyfriend more then anything...is because of the comfort.

Well I have to end this entry here. My mom just called me up drunk at the club and wants me to pick her up. I tink I know do this at lest once a week.

Another post of The Unclaimed Treasures

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 04:10:20 GMT

So I got a complaint from the charater 'Vivica' in my story. Her name was just not accepteble. Which is fine, it was just a tester name so to say becuse I couldn't think of a better one. But now she will be refered to as Valerie in the story....and if she has a problem with that name......she can go shove it.

Okay anyway. Here is the next part of the story.

Part One Continued
Anyway the first oh so wonderful assignment that She Devil gave our class was to partner up with someone from our table and get to know them through Q&A. Because Valerie was not someone I particularly wanted to get to know I turned to the girl sitting next to me. Now because I later on spent the rest of my high school like with this chick I will refer to her as the name I often called her inside my head. Whiny Bitch.
Of course I didn’t think of her as a whiny bitch when I first met her at the ripe age of 12. Oh no, she was way to super cool in her Old Navy gear for me to think of her in such a way. I totally loved her. I mean she was someone(from how I saw her) really cool and she was talking to me! Lets just forget about the fact that she didn’t really have any choice in the matter because it was an assignment.
So back to the point. I was interviewing the Whiny Bitch and asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. Yeah I know original right?
“I’m going to be a lawyer.” She stated in a confided voice laced with arrogance. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and folded her hand on the table.
“Really?! That awesome!” I said excitedly. She smiled at me indulgently. “Maybe you’ll be my lawyer someday; I’m going to need one.” I proclaimed smiling at her.
She crooked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows at me.
“Why would you need a lawyer? It’s not like your going to get married in high school and need a divorce attorney.” She said sarcastically.
“Of course not!” I said laughing, “I’ll need one to fight my dad and brother, they both molested me.”
What the fuck? It’s is times like those that I look back on and realized how much of a freaking retard I really was. I mean who the hell says shit like that? Me obviously. Oh and creepy weird people. And it just so happend that the Whiny Bitch agrees with me there.
“EW! Are you kidding me?” Her face was scrunched up in disgust and total disbelief.
“No.” I mumbled into looking down at my white knuckled hands in my lap.
“Really?” A new voiced asked.
Startled I looked up to be met with the red, brown eyes of Valerie. Her complete attention was set on me, as if I was the most fascinating thing in the world. A reaction I never experienced before.
“Yeah.” I said quietly still a bit unsure of this new ground. “But my Dad was never sent to jail.
“No way!” Valerie slammed her arms back down to the table from their resting place on her elbows.
“How did he get out of it?” She asked scooting her chair closer to the table.
That was the start of a very important friendship for me.

Mongolian BBQ

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:44:09 GMT

Okay so today was my Japanese Oral Final for this semeter. I did really well. Yasuda Sensei said she was proud of me and gave me a high-five ^_^ So I am assuming I did well. After my class got done, me and a group of seven other people from my Japanese class went out and had dinner at Mongolian BBQ together. It was my frist time there. I LOVE IT!!!!

The people from my Japanese class are great, I love them all to death! ^_^ There is this one guy Jonh Dolson.....I have a cruch on this kid.....and I use the trem kid on purpose....he is still only a jonior in high school!!!!! He just turned 17 yesterday! But man this kid is great. He is really intelligent, loves to learn, very liberal and love Japan......Why the fuck can't he be 18? WHY!?! And to top it off....he is a little cutie ^_^

Anyway I now only have my Japanese written final then I am done for the semster.

I am not looking forward to this saturday....I work at both of my jobs.....I will be working for 12 fucking hours....12!!!!! And not only that but I work the day before....and the day after...and the day after that....which basicaly means I am not going to be getting much time to recoperate. The only shining light I see is that I am going to be getting some really great money.

Well until next time!

In The Mood....To Write That Is!

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 03:24:30 GMT

So it has been a goddamn long time since I updated. This is due to the fact that I am, one, lazy, and two, nothing all that fantstic has happend to me as of late. For a few mounths now I have been throwing around a story idea. It's plot is basicly srounding the details of my realtionship to my two closets and dearest friends Jessie and Vanessa. In the story they are know as(at the moment) Jessa, and Vivica. And me? I call myself Ali in the story. But any hoot and nanny this is the very small bit of it that I have writen so far...and care to type up.

There is a point in everyone's life when they stop and ask, "What the FUCK am I doing?" Me? I ask myself that question at lest five times a day. I am Ali Kingston, clam, collected, rational and completely confident. I don't question I know! But those of you that are close to me(and you know who you are) know how much of crake job I really am. I don't think I would have really gotten through certain parts of my life and retained my humor and compassion without two very amazing women. My best friends. The fallowing that you will read is the insane, dull and sometimes heartbreaking tales of our terribly trio. The three of us have been, and forever will be the Unclaimed Treasures.

Part One

My 7th grade year was the start of a new beginning for myself, and boy was it! I like to think that what triggered my blossoming change was meeting Vivica. Vivica was skinny, pretty and cooler then me. Buy hey, that wasn't hard to do. I was round and plump and had been a social reject since I entered the hormonal circus called school. When I first met Vivica with her beautiful olive skin and dark kinky hair I couldn't stand her! The two of us were sat at the same four person table in math class, she wouldn't even say two words to me the fucking cunt! But I was stuck with her due to the fact that my math teacher had assigned seats, and believe there was no way to get out of them. I like to refer to this particular teacher as the She Devil.

......and yeah that is all I have so far. Yeah I know it's nothing....but I am working on it more for me then for the sake of it is a story that I hope other people are going to read and enjoy...the only people I care about liking this story are the two other main charaters. So until next time!

Killing Time

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 17:18:54 GMT

Okay so I am at my school right now and I have a four hour brake until my next class......and nothing to do. So I went to Veoch.com and watched Avatar Book Three Chapter 8......very good episode, Katara kicks some major ass!!! ^_^ During the weekend I was able to buy the frist volume of book three for only $10 bucks!!! Sagoi!!!! Anyway I don't have much to put here, just posting some random entry because I don't have much eles to do....I forgot my book in my car and it is wayyyyyy to cold outside to go and get it. I tihnk I am going to head upstaires to the Cafe and study some of my Japanese. Talk to you all later!

Japanese Fun.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 03:36:02 GMT

Okay so that last week or so have been going pretty well. I have had to redouble my efforts in Bio because I am doing HORRIBLE in there....but I hope to pull out of the class with a C, just so I can have the cerdit I need. Besides that all my other classes are doing really well. Tomorrow(Ashita) is my last Fencing class, thank god! I can't wait to be done with that be damndedel sports! Japanese is a ton of fun, I am learning so much it is scary. We have started Kanji and it is much esier then I had thought is was going to be.

   In my last entry I said how I don't so much anymore want to study abroed in Japan.....yeah well that is a lie, I really really want to study there, I have just been in a werid mood. I think I was tring to romantise the whole issue. You know I have more of a chance to find someone to date in the UK then I do in Japan, but you know what that doesn't matter, I just want to go to Japan for the exsperance of it.

     Nothing really all that intresting has happend to me as of late. Which is kind of sucky but you know what life it good so I am not to worried about it. I am really excited though! Vanessa is going to be coming up in a few weeks! I can't wait for the Unclaimed Terusures to hook up and hang out again!!! This will be one of the few more chances the three of us can really hang out all together.

    I went to an Anime Con this past weekend. It was a lot of fun but nothing to exciting, I, amazingly didn't spend more then $120 which is quite an achivement that I am very proud of. I bough a charm for my cellphone(FMA) a deck of anime palying cards(Saiyuki) and a new anime series called Samurai 7 which was pretty badass but like many anime had a stupid, no clousure ending.

      Lately I have been really, really, really wanting to date someone. But I haven't had any offers yet, I guess I need to put on the charm huh? I know that sooner or later I will be asked out, but to me I feel like I am in high school all over again with the isuuse. And I have really beated to death this subject over and over agian and I am sure that everyone of my friends is sick of it but it is the one thing that is constatly on my mind. My whole thing about studing abroad should be proof of that huh? I guess I just wish someone would just hurry up and ask me out already, but it will happen when it happens and no matter how much I complaine and brood about it, it wont change.

       I got done with my Japanese homework early this weekend so that only thing I have left to do is touch up my Eng paper by Wensday class....and sence I have a four hour brake between my Bio and Japanese I do believe that I will be doing the fixing then. I am planning updating on there more and more. I really like having a journal....and knowing that people do read it. It makes me feel even if it is just a smalll bit...more important.

    Some local news the Moon Room(use to be Intigo Age) is now out of business. I am really sad about that. Once the owners changed everone stopped going. I am really going to miss seeing and talking to Rodney and Sonya that have got to be some of the most amazing people I have ever meet in my life. Honestly if is wasn't for them I wouldn't have becoming as agnostic and intrested in sprital things like I am now.

   For random news....I think I have gained weight....which I hate....but also don't. I can't help but feel that I am loosing weight more for other people then myself. Because evertime I think about deiting it is because of thses reasons. 1.) I think guys would think me more attractive and want to go out with me, 2.) I can fit into cute clothing that is so very 'in' 3.) When I go to Japan I won't be such an oddity besides being a forgeiner 4.) So people wont assume things about me before they even get to know me just becuse they see a fat girl. The last reason is the only thing that is for myself and that is the fact that I would be hleathier. Being hleathy is very important.....but honestly I remember when I was frist put on my blood pressure meds and it was beause I was getting weird headachs and the doc took a stab in the dark saying it was my blood pressure when it had never been an issue before that. So most of the time I feel like I am taking the meds for no reason.

    I have been able to do more reading lately, which I really love. I think I am going to more often got to the Coffee Tree to sip on a mohca while eiether doing my homework, or reading a novle of some sort. I really want to find a cool coffee shop by my school. The only thing I have found so far is a Starbucks, whcih honestly isn't that conferble to sit around at for an hour or more.

   Well anyway I guess I am should end this entry here sence I am just babbling on and on about fribaless thing.

おやすみなさい
Oyasuminasai

So That's Life

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:09:25 GMT

Okay so lately I have been feeling like all I have been doing is going through the motions. I get up I got to school or work, I come home mess on the computer and or read then go to bed....then the same thing the next day. I have been feeling kind of bored and all around depressed. I am flunking Bio......I have a lot of pride when it comes to my education do the fact that I am failing a class is weighing havealy on me. I fucking hate it! You know what? It isn't because I am not putting enough effort into the class it is just because I plain dumb with the subject and I hate it! I want to be one of those people that can achive anything....but that is competely unreailstic. So I think I am going to be doing a complete 180 when it comes to school.....I will become a soclie hermit and completely go at my studies....or at lest that I what I am telling myself at the moment.
Also lately I have found that I have changed a lot.....I am not into the same things that I once was. Okay well I am, but not with the same gusto I once had for it. Like, I LOVE Japanese it is something I have been wanting to learn for a while now and I am completely into it. I always have said that I will learn Japanese and study abored in Japan.....and I want that.....but not so much anymore. I mean I still want to study abord....but I dont know if I still want to go to Japan. I don't fit in with the culture set, I am a fat, perverted, liberal, American girl....something that is not very common or taken to in Japan. I want to go somewhere that I fit in a little better make really good friends and so on. Because I am going into History I can go almost anywhere for studying....and lately I have been been thinking about the UK I have alway wanted to go there....and man can you imagin the history there!! I mean they have buildings, museams, castels and so much more!

Along with intrests being changed I feel like I am more critial when it comes to my friends. I look for people that I connect with. I want to be able to really enjoy the time I spend with my friends. I have made a few very false friends at college so far....and I feel kind of bad/guilty about it. One of the girls I hang out with really loves to hang out with me and wants to get together more.....but I honestly dont care for her all that much. She is inmature, arrogant, and childish in many ways and it gets on my nevers. I have also felt like Vanessa is getting annoyed with me lately. When we talk on the phone she irrated or exsasperated with somethings that I say....and it hurts. With Jessie moving off after next semter I am feeling unterly alone. I don't want to hang with people just for the sake of being out of the house and having something to do. I want to hang out with people that I truly enjoy the company with. I feel that Vanessa has started a good friendship in MN and I am beyond happy for her! I like that she is going out and havning so much fun, and is making friends and likes them. But it makes me feel even more distant from her.

Like I said before I feel as if she have been becoming more annoyed with me lately. I guess I feel like I am have been acting like a right Bitch lately....but I havne't....have I? I don't even know. I am so confused with what is going on in my life right now. Worse yet I have been becomiong more worried about money lately.....after next semster....I will have no money left for school. I didn't have some one die and leave me money like Vanessa, or have a dad who worked for GM and can get money from TAP. And I am not like Jessie who has Art scholerships, and also gets scholerships through the Navy because of her dad's military servius.....she also gets TAP as well I think because her dad worked for GM as well. The only thing I have is what my Grandpa has saved for me in bonds.....and it is going quick. I don't know how I am going to afored school at all. I put on the brave front most of the time saying I knew I was going to have to take out a student loan and all....which is true.....but I never thought it would be this soon. Also I don't want my or Grandpa to pay for those loans....we have money trouble already....I don't need to add my school exspense to it.....but I don't know how I am going to aforde it on my own. I always think of myself as a really smart person....but the truth is that I am not all that great....I am more avarge...if even that. I don't know if I will ever be the perosn I really want to, if I have the stuff for it, if you know what I mean that is. I worry about when my Grandpa dies....not only because I love him so much and I will miss him more then anything in the world....but also what me and my mom are going to do once he is gone. We can't keep the house without him....we dont' have the money and so many other things. But whatever! I don't even want to think about Grandpa dieing.....I love him so much he is so imporant to me.

So basicly I have been in a kind of hell for the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong I have still had some good times.....but only a few, the bad eclipes the good ten folds. Hopefuly things will look up soon.....but I never give my hopes up....or I at lest try not to......saves me from dissapontment.

Wow....I Can Be Stupid.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 18:30:19 GMT

Okay so I woke up this morning at 7 because I needed to take a shower before I went to work. I get to work and sit in my car and read until it is time to go in.....well guess what? I really should have checked my scheduel a little better....because I didn't have to be in there until 5:30 tonight.....I wasted all that gas for nothing....and I could have l slept in!!!

Nothing Much

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 00:47:15 GMT

Okay so I haven't posted in a very long time. So here I am updating. Nothing much has really happend to me since I last wort. School it fun. My Japanese class kicks some majory fucking ass!!!! I am reading all hairgana!!! How kick ass is that? I translated a letter the other day then had to write one in Hairgana in returne. It is safe to day that Nihongo is my favoirte subject ^_^ Fencing is not really all that fun...well at lest not yet. I like the people in my class, but man am I out of shape in a bad way. I want to die after only doing five laps around the gym T_T But it is getting better.

Some bad news it that my Military hunk is now gone for the next four mounths so we can't talk on the phone. I am totaly crushing on this guy I love 'em to deth! ^_^ And I already really miss chatting it up with him. But we still have email even though it will be infreqently.

I really miss V like crazy. This whole week I have been in a big mood to just hang out with her and talking sitting around go to the movies and out to lunch like we use to......But I can't!!!! T_T But it isn't as bad as I thought it would be, I still get to talk it up with her on the phone which is nice so we know what is going on in each others lives. V is talking about staying in MN for all of her school, and that really scares me. I think it is kick ass if she does because she lives in a city that is really cool, but I already miss her like crazy and I want her back in MI. I kind of feel like if she doesn't come back then we wont have the same friendship ever again. I want to go out on weekend and go drinking or clubbing with her. I want to go on double dates and car pool to school. I want to have dorm life or apartment life with her even if it is just once. But now I don't think that will ever happen......and that makes me incerdible depressed. But I am really glad Vanessa is finding herself more out in MN and becoming more independent, she needs it.

Well I am going to go now. Hopefuly it wont be as long until my next entry huh?

Can Of Worms

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 15:07:49 GMT

Okay so I just got a letter from my best friend that makes me feel like an asshole. Well I guess to most people I am huh? The subject of the letter was Honesty and she gave it to me. She said to me that if I was in her position then I would be doing the same thing. Moving out of Michigan and living someplace else. And you know what? Yes that is true. But she said I am tiring to make her fee guilty for her decision, and that is not the case. Like she has said before the whole point of livejounal is to write down your thoughts. My last entry was for me to Vent, and I felt a hell of a lot better afterwards! I was not using it as a device to make Vanessa feel guilty. I am not stupid I knew that as soon as she read it I would not be getting and “I am soooo sorry” comment, I knew it was just going to be her plain thoughts.

I will admit I want to be completely and utterly selfish in keeping Vanessa here in Michigan for myself so I can hang out with her and I would not have to be apart from her. But she is better off there and I glad she is doing well. I just feel kind of jiped and lied to. I wish she would have just told me right now, oh well I have decided at the moment that I want to just stay here for school. I would have liked that a whole lot better then the whole betting around the damn bush thing.

One of the largest reasons at to why I feel like an asshole and just not that great of a person right now after reading that email is some of the things Vanessa said about me. First of all we prided(or at lest I did or thought we did) our relationship on honesty……and Vanessa never really told me some of the things that hurt her that I do to her……I am one of those people that like to improved themselves so to know for a long time now I have just constantly hurting my friend hurts me. Vanessa said to me that the reason as to why she never told me is because she is just like Jessie in the accepts and doesn’t like to confront people about things like that….Bullshit, she has done so with me before. And yeah if I did cry or blow up or something then at lest it would have been out there and I would have known what it was that I was doing to her and after I clamed down I would have worked on it.I honestly don’t think of myself as a good friend. I am no where near as kind and heartfelt as my two friends Jessie and Vanessa, and Vanessa’s letter just seem to prove it to me. Well it does help those, I can work on the more unseemly parts of my personality. But in all honestly….I usually only did that stuff to Vanessa and for various reasons. I did it a lot this last year because she kept talking about going to MN for school, and I just didn’t want her to go. I am a selfish bitch that just wanted her to stay for myself. So I was doing everything within my power to try and convince her to stay in Michigan. Obviously she didn’t . And I think it is good for her to be out there, I just wish that I was either there with her or that she never would have left.

I said that once I get my degree I wanted to move to Oregon, or somewhere out of Michigan because I wont be able to get a job her with what I want to get into. Vanessa said she thought that she would like to move to Oregon with me, but she doesn’t think we could ever live together…..wow that hurts as well. Honestly I believe we could, for one thing, its not going to be like it is my home she is living in and therefore has to go by my rules…..where ever we would live the place would be owned by both of us. I think she is basesing it off of all the time she spends the night at my house. If we lived together we would have different bedrooms for one so she can be her little night owl self all she wants and with her nightly before bed rituals. It would bug me for two reasons, One, she wouldn’t be keeping me up because it is not like she would be coming in and out of my room all the damn time, and two…like I said it would also be her home so she could do whatever she damn well pleased as long as we respected each other. But that is what I think. But Vanessa saying that she couldn’t live with me just makes me realized yeah, I don’t think we are ever going to live in the same town or even state ever again and that really hurts, because she is the closets person to me.

Vanessa also said in her letter that she and I knew we would have to live without each other sooner or later. And yes that is true…..but you know what ? Yeah I know for a fact that the two of us can live without each other, we are to stubborn and prideful to fail in that aspect. I guess I just always thought that at lest sooner or later we would live by each other again and be able to hang out normally. Well I guess that wont happen. And that sucks because that means Vanessa’s and mines relationship is going to be become permanently long distanced. And yeah I can do that look at me and my friend Erin….but it severely lacks…..and you lose to much substance in any kind of relationship like that. I know I will never be able to find a friend like Vanessa ever again But I guess we both knew this was coming huh?

I feel like now Vanessa is pulling away….and I also know she isn’t. And it just plain sucks and I have no clue what to do anymore. If Vanessa’s and I friendship goes long distances then I know it will never be the same again, and we wont be half as close anymore. But another part of me says that I would prevent that, and I don’t know how I would.

All I feel right now is that I am a bitch. Vanessa said things about me in that letter that makes me just want to crawl under my bed and not even try and make friends at school. I want to know how long will that be able to put up with me before they just stop. Which is really stupid but still true. All my senior year I told and cried to Vanessa about people hating me and disliking me and she consoled me…..but she knew what I was doing and never said it to me….and I wish she had so that I could have improved. I can do that now….but I don’t even know where to start, I don’t know where it begins at. I feel like maybe I already stared with being friends with Cora, but I also feel like there is a type of wall between the two of us. Vanessa use to tell me, some of the mean or cruel things I said to her she knew were meant out of concern or love…..and she is probably right. But I know she is the only one that understands that.

Right now I feel like Vanessa’s and mine’s friendship is already starting to deteriorate to an extent. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn’t but right at this moment it does. And I think it is because instead of telling me what I was doing and how she felt and told me all the mean stuff about myself though a letter…..up until that moment we have always talked out things. Even if she just told me on the phone it would have been better. Also from what Vanessa has said in her letter…it almost sounds like I was one of the reasons why she wanted to get away….and that hurts most of all. I kind of wonder if I will ever be able to be my true self to people without them just wanting to get away.

So one thing in particular really hurt me in what Vanessa’s letter said. She wrote that one “she feels like the weak shadow of Amy” and the worst one of all “And in a lot of ways, I feel as if I have Maria as my best friend, someone controlling and judgmental.” Wow….that really hurts. After reading her letter I feel like I am not really that great of a friend and I know why so many people dislike me in school. And it makes me question a lot of things as well. Such as, things like, are my friends really friends of mine most of the time or only hang out with me when no one else is around, how often have they talked about this kind of stuff behind my back, and so on.

The protion that is in the color was actualy writen inbetween the paragraphs where I said "I honestly don't think of myself as a good friend" and the one about getting my degree and going to Oregon, but it wouldn't let me post it there for some reason. Sometimes I really hate computers T_T

Abandoned

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 06:16:48 GMT

Okay so I just got done talking to Vanessa on the phone. Lately she has been speaking about university in MN and certain type of dorm life she is considering moving into within a year or two…..Well you see original she was only planning on going to community college in MN….and now she is just planning on staying there period. This hurts me in an unbelievable amount. When Vanessa was first considering going to MN for community college I discouraged her. I thought it was stupid to go the community college there just to come back to MI for university. It would have been smarter to stay in MI and go to community college then university out of state. But she really didn’t think about it, and really didn’t care and just went. I was cool with it thinking that well she needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet and take more responsibility so when she comes back she will be a bit more of and adult and responsible person. But you know the real reason as to why I didn’t want her to go was? I knew because she is so fucking flighty and just does things on a whim that as soon as she finally realized that staying in MN would be more convenient in her schooling period….that she would not come back to MI for university. And I fucking hate her for that. You see I know Vanessa even better I think then she really knows herself. I realized after only her first week in MN that she was going to say she was staying for all of her schooling…..and just beat around the bush and never brought the complete subject up with me. But unfortunately for her I see right through all of her stupid tactics.

What I hate the most is when she says “I’m Sorry.” Because it is not a real “I’m Sorry”. It is a I pity you and feel bad for you because I know this isn’t what you wanted but that doesn’t matter I am still going to do this “sorry”. So in other words…..her sorry really doesn’t mean anything and it just pisses me off when she says it. She has no idea as to how much it hurts me really and how depressed it makes me feel! I am not lucky like her to be able to just leave MI and go to school, for two reasons. One I have no family out of state close to me who would take me and two…..I have no means as to get the student loans I would need to go to school out of state and just live in dorms. So I am staying here in MI. Soon I wont even have Jessie, but I think she needs to leave MI more then Vanessa did. And I had Jessie here while she was in community college so wasn’t and isn’t gone for all of hers schooling that takes five or more years. I fucking knew that Vanessa was not going to come back to MI, and she was just lying to me and her self trying to pretend that yeah she was so going to come back for university and it was all planed. Even before she really left for MN for community college I knew , even if it was just small thoughts that she was considering or had already decided that she was just going to stay in MN for all of her schooling.

I guess another thing that pisses me of is that fact that I seem to be the one that does all the work in keeping our friendship strong to s certain sense. Back in seventh grade I was trying to go to West so that I could keep going to school with Vanessa…but that didn’t work out, and she never even thought of facing her parents to see if she could go to east. And now with the college thing. I was the one that was even willing to move to MN with her to stay at her aunts so the two of us could go to school together. When she applied to OCC I was the one that brought up saving up money and getting and apartment together…..She never really put in an effort to try and go to school with me ever….and that hurts to, alone with pisses me off.

Right now she says how she misses Lapeer and her friends and family like crazy….but I know as soon as she makes some friends in MN it wont be so bad for her and she will love living there even more. Me? I can make friends and sometime be lucky in finding some really good ones like Jessie and Cora. Vanessa will find someone like that in MN if not by accident then by necessity almost. And me I am going to be staying in MI and yeah I have good friends….soon only Cora who I can’t connect with in the same ways I do Vanessa and Jessie but I will be the one with the most hurt. Vanessa and Jessie aren’t being the ones who are abandon….they are the ones doing the abandoning . And yeah I don’t want them to hold themselves back when they can experience something as cool as going to school outside of state….Jessie more then Vanessa because she has already had a lot of her schooling done here in MI, but with Vanessa is different it is like she lied to me. It was going to be two years then she would be back, and now it is going to be more along the lines of five and by that time I will have my degree and will be leaving MI to find a job out of state…..when I will finally be able to leave MI, where before I had no means.

The fact that Vanessa is staying in MN to go to school just shows me a future of just a long distance friendship that will never be the same. Where I am going to school in MI and Vanessa’s family is here, I will get to see her throughout periods of the year, but when I have my degree I will have to leave MI to find a job, and that is when Vanessa finally plans on heading back. If I felt that our friendship would fade after seventh grade because we were going to different high schools….now it feels like it is inevitable to happen. I almost feel like Vanessa is purposely pushing away because she feels we relay and depend on each other to much. And she doesn’t think it is healthy and doesn’t think society and most people can understand…..she has always been afraid of what people think a lot….more then she will ever admits I know. So because of this I am going to end up suffering more then her. So when she says “I’m sorry”…..that just doesn’t’ cut it with me and I just don’t really buy it. I feel like for the first time in years Vanessa was keeping something from me…..and she was to a certain existent…..and I think she will keep more things from me as time goes on…..I have never kept anything from her. What I think and feel she will know and I will tell her…..I don’t feel like that is the same with her. We were each others secret keepers….now it is like she is just keeping secrets. She wont have me to spill her guts to…..but I know she will to her aunt, and her aunt with be kind and understanding and tell her what she thinks….like I would…..and I will have no one’s shoulder to cry and really no one to spill things to.

So I don’t care how much Vanessa says that she misses me and wishes that we could hang out and stuff and be around each other to relay on….in the end she already has some of what I gave her in her aunt and other things will come with friends that she will make. Yeah she will say I can’t be replace….but if Vanessa finds someone she connects with in MN I will almost be erased to a point and that is just a fact.

Right now I am crying, and you know what? I am pretty sure that Vanessa will not cry over the fact that I am hurt or sad….all she will do is feel bad, and that just doesn’t really mean anything. She hates to cry and wont do so unless some horrible traumatic event happens, and if our friendship fades over time I know I am going to be the only one to have cried over it.

Weird Feelings

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 17:32:28 GMT

So yesterday I didn't have to work and really didn't have much to do so I went to a party with my mom. It was at a friend of her's house. It was really fun, I got drunk and a bit high. The adults(so to say) left about 9pm to go to a club so I hung out with they guys once they were gone. We had fun, had some beers joked and all that jazz. Well once the adults got back it was just me and Kyle left. Kyle is the son of my mom's friend.

I was trying to sober up so I could drive home. I didn't really want to stay the night. But I ended up hanging out with Kyle for a long while. We went down stairs and laided in bed and chatted and listen to music. Well he kept falling alseep so I thought I should try. He keep putting his arm around me while he thought I was sleeping and he pretending. Part of me wanted him to, and to feel me up and all that crap.....the other part, the greater one kept haveing horrible flash backs of my brother......you see my brother use to pretend to be alseep when he touched me.....and god it reminded me of him so much!

I am such a fucking sick fuck! I wanted to be felt up by this guy but I was repulsed when ever he touched me. I am so sick of feeling this way! What the fuck is wrong with me!!! Can't I just be normal when it comes to guys? Please? I just want to be like other girls when they are with guys, not feeling dirty, or disughting, or horrible. I really want to know what that feels like. I want to know if I will ever be able to get with a guy.

Hey Ya'all Out There!

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 05:52:16 GMT

Okay so I am just hanging out at my mom's friends house. And I just wanted to write all of a sudden, so here I am on livejounal just writing my little old heart out......or not, just putting a lot of nothing down really. So what is going on with you? Not much here just been going to work and hanging out at home. I hung out with Cora and Kristen just a few days ago. Me and Cora later on went to a movie but Kristen couldn't go with us, her parents are stick as hell.
I can't wait for November to come around. You know why? Because of the Anime Convention. I love that place. All the geeks of Michigan all come together for three days united in our Otakuness. And it is a big bunch of love.

I need a good yaoi fanfic or come hardcore manga shit......but I have got nothing and itis driving me made not to have enough yaoi porn around for myself....

And yeah I am going to shut up now......I am kind of a mixer of being drunk and high.

Getting Over Death, and Looking for Love

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 03:53:37 GMT

        Okay so today I had to put my cat Ty to sleep. He was dieing, he hadn't ate for drank for days and was in a lot of pain. So instead of just sitting around and waiting for him to die while hurting I took him to the shelter and put him to sleep. It was one to the hardest things I had to do. Ty had been my pet since I was four-years-old. And he wasn't a family pet, no, he was mine. He didn't really care about another person in the house except for me we just bonded.....and now he is gone.

       I don’t know weather it can be considered a good thing or a bad thing but....once I try once I am over whatever it was that got me down. I cried good and hard over Ty and now I am just fine. I don't need to cry anymore.....and I am no longer sad......I wonder what is going to happen to me when someone I am close to, like my Grandpa, passes away. Will I do the same thing? Cry and bit then be over it? I wont know until it happens....and hopefully that will be many years in the future.

      On a happier note. Vanessa and I went and saw "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" Fucking funny as hell movie! I loved it!! I hope some guys will watch it and realize how much of an asshole they can be just by finding out if some guy is gay. I fucking hate homophobes, their fear is unfounded and stupid.

      After the movie me and V went to the BK Lounge for some eats. While we were eating Andy(V's boy toy) called up. Next thing you know he his walking into BK. Before I go on with the story you should know that Vanessa always has had a watch. Since we were 12 she always had a watch on her, and the sad thing is....that even though she always has the time she is always constantly late!!! But her most recent and last watch died not to long ago and she has yet to replace it. But then in comes Andy and Ta Da!! He bought her a watch as a going away present(which I think he would have bought her a new one anyway but hey this one gave me an excuse).

        This Andy kid is a real sweetheart and is wonderful to Vanessa.....and Vanessa is completely head over heels for this guy. The only thing is.....she is moving this Sunday to live in MN. She finally found the perfect guy and is now leaving him behind. Don't get me wrong I think she is doing the right thing in not letting a guy keep her behind while she have a great opportunity to move somewhere new to go to school. But it really sucks because she loves him and is so happy when she talks to him or is around him. Fate is a cruel thing, and it is very cruel in Vanessa's circumstance. I wish for some fairy tale ending for them where, though she goes off to school they stay in touch and keep in contact so that in two years when she comes back.....Andy will be there for her to pick up where they left off and live happily ever after.....but I am not so sure that will happen. I mean I hope at lest they will stay in contact and be friends. I mean hey if she comes back and they are both unattached they could end up hooking up again who knows!

         Even though it sucks with what is going to happen with V and Andy I would give almost anything to be in her shoes. Andy is a extremely smart, very good-looking, and fun guy.....and he is completely into Vanessa....in fact I am positive that he loves her. And Vanessa is ga-ga over the guy. What I wouldn't give to have a guy like that for my own. Someone to call me and joke with me. Some one to cuddle with and to kiss......Someone I know thinks I am beautiful and loves me.....God.....I just want to know what that feels like. I look around at my friends and all but one of them has some kind of guy in their life......but me? Me I can't even get a guy to really look at me. And that hurts a lot more then I let on most of the time. Hopefully someday(soon) I will find a guy who will at me and think to himself 'man she is great' but I don't know. I just don't want to end up alone, that scares me more then anything.....to end up with nobody, to know that no man will or has loved me.....that would really suck. But you know what? I am a very optimistic person! No matter what I look on the Brightside, and I am sure I will find someone someday and until that days comes I will just keep on searching!!

It's Been A While

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 19:29:32 GMT

Hey all. Man it has been a while since I have last been on. Wow lots has happen.
Frist school stared and it's doing pretty well, though Ihave been getting loads of homework. Add that with my part time job and that equals no sleep T_T
I have a boyfriend. Mike, aka Big Mike. We started going out about....three weeks ago, I believe. He is a real sweet guy, and I like hanging out with him.
In other news. Only one more month before Youmacon!!!
Okay wow I know it has been a while since I last wort in this, but I seirusly can't think of anything to put in here. Maybe I should really start updating more reguraly.

Well until next time!

One Kick Ass Weekend!

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 18:53:43 GMT

Okay so Lapeer Days weekend has come and passed, and I have a completely awesome time ^_^ You see for stupid reasons I was grounded for two weeks. So for a little while I thought I might not be able to go to Lapeer Days, but my mom let me off the hook for the weekend. I love her ^_^

The first day wasn't much of anything I just went down with mom and then Aaron, is girlfriend Courtney and her friend Randi( a girl) came over later and hung out.
Now Saturday was completely kick ass. One way or another everyone ended up at my house. Aaron, Big Mike, Chase, Jon, Courtney, Randi, Jessie, Jaimi, Beth, Vanessa and I. It was nice hanging out with everyone and having a good time.

Okay something you should know before I go one. Aaron, is one of my closets friend and I love him dearly. In October he is going into Marine Boot camp. So theses last few months he has been doing a lot of parting. In other words, lots of drinking and lots of weed. He wants to do as much as he can before he has to completely stop.

It has been Aarons long time goal to get me high. Me, straight laced, honor roll, good daughter, and supposedly never do anything wrong Amy.

Well I finally let him do it. OH MY GOD!!!! Getting high was something else. I was goofy as hell, and I so happy no one has a camera or video recorder at the time. I learned something about myself when I get high, one, I get goofy and have the mad munchies and two, I get fucking horny as hell!!! I will admit getting high was fun, but not something I ever want to repeat again. I am pried myself on being a pretty grounded and in control person, I hated not having much control over what I did when I was high. I like it much better when I am the sober person watching the idiots get high and do stupid shit ^_^

I got a letter from Kohl's saying that i am hired!!! Yay! I have a job. Can you say kick ass? I sure and a hell can.

I can say one thing that really sucked about the weekend. Ryan ended up not coming to Lapeer Days. First I thought he was coming down Saturday, when I called him, apparently he said I told him Sunday. Okay no big deal one day's difference. But when Sunday came he called me and told me he wasn't coming, that he got in trouble with his dad or something....Okay first of all I had a feeling he wasn't really going to come, and second I also have a feeling he was lying about the whole got in trouble with his dad thing. I think he just didn't feel like coming, which is find I don't really care, whatever floats your boat, I back out on going places too, but I tell people I just don't want to go, I don't make up lies. So I am not for sure he is lying, but I have a pretty good feeling...I don't know.

On a brighter note, I got my senior pictures in. They okay, I am not crazy about them, but most of my friends love 'em so they can't be that bad. Oh and this weekend I am going over to a party at Courtney's house which will be fun. And school starts Monday.... I want to get back really bad but I am not looking forward to all the college applications, and the scholarship crap as well. And on top of that i have two AP classes and a new job, can you say work overload?

But any who, I will catch you all later!

Man Do I Procrastinate!

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 18:42:51 GMT

Okay so it has been a full week since I went to the concert. I told myself I would update my journal as soon as I got back home from Detroit....did that happen, no it did not. I let myself get whisk away into animes and books, and just hanging out with my friend. Gee maybe I do have a life outside of the internet who would have thought....

Well the concert was completely kick ass!!! Hinder was the frist band and let me tell you that lead singer is SEX!!! Man is he hot on stage, and his voice is dead sexy. I was able to get a singed CD of their's as well ^_^

After Hinder it was Three Days Grace. They completely rocked, good songs, and all I loved it. After Three Days Grace was Hoobastank. Now they were freaking awesome! I am not much of a big Hoobastank fan but I am now after seeing them perform. Out of everyone Vanessa and I saw that night they did the best on working the stage. And the lead singer half way through their performance unbutton his shirt and even from where I was sitting I could see the definition. *Sigh* Man that is when my really girly hormonal boy crazy side comes out.

Now Nickleback was the best of them all of course. Since it was their tour their performance lasted the longest. The frist song they played was Animals ^_^ It was hot. God dose that guy have a voice, a very sexy bedroom voice can you say yum? Nickleback had a bunch of fire works, and flames going along with other fun things and just all in all the concert completely rock! I loved it!

Things that have happened since the concert. I have been hanging out with Vanessa a lot(gee what a surprise there) I found out what my class line up for school is next year off of edline. I need to go yell at my councilor for one of the classes the stupid bitch!!! I am taking AP Psyche so why do I have reugular Psyche on my line up? Because my councilor is a complete dumbass that is why.

Vanessa and I hung out at Jessie's the other day and spent the night. We mostly watch a movie(and old musical that I love called Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) and played Life. The way we play life is fun those if we get married or have kids or win things and so such we have to put a story behind it. We use out X-Generation world for it this time and it was quite fun ^_^

Tomorrow I am going with Vanessa to her dad's side of the family, family reunion. Okay let me paint you a picture here. Vanessa's dad dose not like me. One he hates that I am fat, and two he thinks I am a lesbian(long story, just suffice it to say that I was 12 when he decided this). Her sister hates me and I hate her. I don't think we have said more then 10 words to each other the 5 years I have known her. I haven't met the rest of the Vanessa's dad's family but I will. Her Aunt Vanessa(yeah Vanessa was named after her) wants to meet me, so maybe someone one the Vechell side wont hate me huh?
Lets just say I am not really looking forward to, tomorrow.

But anyway I hope you are all doing well! Talk to ya later.

Boredom Is Dangerous!

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 19:43:31 GMT

God I am so 'effin BORED!!!! Not just you everyday kind of bored where if you pop in a movie or read a book it will go away. NO this is the "nothing but activity can cure the boredom kind of thing"
Jessie is back from Main but is bissy doing family stuff. Jaimi is still in Texas and Vanessa is in Troy visiting her sister.
I am bored to that point where you do stupid things. Thinks like being a pyro and burning stuff, or sliding down the stairwell banister....No I haven't done either yet, but they are looking mighty tempting right now.
I hate this kind of boredom, it really sucks....maybe I will be saved from it soon who knows. But pray I don't do anything that will cause awkward question in the ER.....

SOMEOME PLEASE SAVE ME

Sentimentality Of My Best Friend

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 07:23:24 GMT

Emerson wrote that " A Friend is Someone You Can Be Sincere With" And I believe that. But I also believe a friends is someone that can love you whole heartedly, even if you piss them off.
Vanessa, is my best friend. She has been since the very being of 7th grade. Now that might really sound like a long time, seeing as how I am now a Senior, and it's not. But it is almost like we have been friends since we were little kids.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a brake down. I started to cry really bad, and was a complete wreck. Vanessa was over. She lay in my bed with me my head in her lap and she stroked my hair as I cried. This wasn't really the first time I cried like that in front of her, and it is far from the last. She is always there for me, always knowing when not to talk and when I need her to.

Now let me tell you something about Vanessa. Out of the five years that she and I have been friends, I have only seen her really cry twice....Once three years ago when her Step mom died, and once earlier this year when she finally had a brake down with the combined stress of her mom having cancer and doing nothing about, school and money problems. This is something I really admire about Vanessa, she is very strong. She doesn’t really let many people inside her walls. Yeah she makes friends and jokes with them and so such, but they don't really get to see the real Vanessa...if you know what I mean.

But anyway. When Vanessa held me while I cried she cried a bit too. It wasn't because what made me up set was something that bothered her as well, but it was that I was in a lot of pain and she said she can't stand to see me that way. Seeing her cry because I cried really showed me how close the two of us are. If you knew her you would realize just how hard it is to see her cry. She never brakes down, say for those two times.

Vanessa is the truest friend I will ever have. I like the use this term in explaining our friendship. We are as close as two people can get, without becoming lovers...
I don't know what brought this entry on, but I needed to write it. So sorry if it sounds strange to you all, but I had to write something about it. All I can really say is that I hope that you guys can have a friend liked that one I have in Vanessa someday, if you don't already have one now.

Until later....

Hyde Help.

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 04:28:24 GMT

Hello all. I was wondering if anyone could tell me a website where I could by a Hyde poster off of. I can't seem to find any, and I really, really want to get one. So if there is anyone out there that knows of a site please send me the link I will be forever grateful!

Oh and I just got done watching Last Quarter. And it was a pretty good movie, I liked it a lot ^_^