Okay, so wow….it has been quiet a long time since I last wrote anything on here. But seeing as how I have drank two five hour energies within two hours of one another….I am not going to be sleeping any time soon. Soooo I figured I would write on here…seeing as how my mind wont shut off.

Well tonight was the highly anticipated premier of the Twilight movie and I went and saw the midnight show. First of all, Twilight and the book's three sequels are very, very close to my favorite books of all time, so the movie was something I have been looking forward to a lot. Reading those books is what I hope love feels like. Something powerful, boundless, scary, exhilarating, painful, something just…amazing. Of course being the practical person I am, I am pretty sure it not really going to be like that, but man…would that not just be amazing? To be loved to so deeply, so passionately, and completely, to be utterly consumed by it…..if I could have one real wish in the world, I would wish to find that in kind of love to share with someone.

I know some would probably be scared of such a consuming love, but I could not think of anything I would want more. And do you know what the thing is? The thing is, that that type of love has to existence! No one could write a story, sing a song, or pain a picture of something so deeply moving and emotional if it were not real, if he or she had not experienced it. That type of love might be rare, but it is out there, somewhere and a very few lucky people get to have it.

Reading the Twilight books makes me long for this type of love even more. The movie in one word was corny…but man did I love it! For all the bad acting, and mushy scenes I absolutely loved that movie. Unlike many books turned movies this one keep with the story quiet well using several lines from the book. I loved it…..really I did….and I want to go and see it again. So Vanessa if you are reading this….which I am sure you are, if I do not tell you before hand you will see it here. The movie was extremely corny….but I completely loved it, and you will like how well they kept to the story.

Since I am wide awake and my mind wont shut off I started writing something….again. So I am going to post on here what I have so far…which like always is not very much. But I hope you enjoy it and give me some feedback.

Love to All

Amy

Love comes when one least excepts it. It can be exhilarating and beautiful, heart stopping and painful, scary, and warm. Love is not just some emotion that can be predicted, or calculated, it is a feeling that has no real tools to measured it and no real guide to understanding it. Love is never the same for ever person. How a women loves her father is not the same way she loves her husband. 

Not everyone has love in life, but many do, and these people have love in a number of different shades. To be in love is not always fairytale like, or motion picture perfect. It is not like we pretend it to be. People be fall in love…. then out, over and over . There is always more then just one person you can fall for. It is just that some people are lucky…and stay with their first love. But to fall for a person a is something quit different then finding a soul mate. I first fell in love when I was only twelve-years-old and I knew, just knew, that I would never want anyone else.

I had a very strange conception of what affection and love was when I was a kid. My parents were not and still are not what one would call nurturing. They provided for me, and took care of me, but it was more like going through the motions of something that was more expected of them, then out of caring. But knowing nothing else I really did not feel or acknowledge that I was missing out on anything, it was just something that was never there in the first place. By the time I was in junior high and other girls were getting giggly over guys I started to see that I was not really getting something. I kind of thought I was a freak, I did not find any fascination in the opposite sex…or the same one for that matter….we were all just people. If I had known what asexual was back then…then I probably would have thought that was what I was. 

But someone showed me that I was far from asexual. Even now the memory of that day is so vivid in my mind, as if it happened just moments ago instead of years. It was the middle of November and in the fall fashion of the mid west it was very cold and very wet. School had been released over an hour before and I still had yet to be picked up by either my parents, they had forgotten. In the need to do something besides sitting on a damp curb I started walking in the direction of my home. The sky was overcast with heavy gray clouds and the drizzling rain was icy as each drop hit the skin of my uncovered hands.

I was walking with no real purpose, not really seeing the road in head of me. I was thinking about Jenna a girl in my class. That day she had excitedly told me and the other girls in the class that she kissed Mark Thomson the so called 'hot guy'. The other girls squealed and started to chatter asking what it was like and how attractive Mark was. I was confused, what was kissing? I spoke this question out loud and I was met with laughs and disbelieving stares. Jenna quickly explained to me what it was after seeing that I was serious.

Kicking a pebble as I trudged along the road I still did not understand what was so exciting about putting your lips to another persons. I mean it was just skin right? It could not be that much different then a hand shake. I had said this to the girls as well, and well…they thought I was weird and immediately excluded me from their little circle talk, not that I care all that much, it was not that interested in hearing all the giggling. 

Having been lost in thought I hadn't noticed that I had stopped walking and was now standing on the dock of the lake a few miles from my school. Somehow my feet had brought me here. Out of all the places there were in my town the lake was my favorite, but only in the cold seasons, when most other people tended to not occupy the area. I hated how noisy and crowed it gets in the summer heat.

I looked out over the still water. It was almost like a smooth endless mirror with the occasional rain drop disturbing its surface causing a small circle of ripples. I closed my eyes taking in a deep crisp breath through my nose letting it out slowly savoring it. The cold taste on my tongue the slight warmth of my breath on my skin, the cool breeze turning my cheeks and nose red and icy. I let the quite engulf me, loving the peace. 

             Okay so it has been a crazy long time since I last posted. But now that I am I have a crap load of stuff to tell you. So first things first.  I did end up meeting Eric……and it was a really bad idea. Since I am in all basically sick and tired of retelling the story you just get the skinny of it. We met at the mall he was dressed like crap didn’t want to go eat and just wanted to go straight to a Hotel. I told him I wasn’t having sex with him and he said that is fine and me being an idiot believed him. As soon as we got to the hotel he basically tried to ravage me. Me and Vanessa came up with a good lie of her calling me and I bursting into tears over something and left…..then I had had a “fun” chatting session with him online later on….and we no longer talk to one another.

                Then not to long after the Eric thing….actually it was the next day. My grandpa had a mini stroke. So I quit my job so I could be home with grandpa once he was released from the hospital. He is doing really well, and if possible even cuter than ever.

                Now for the super kick ass awesome news. From June and until hopefully November I will be in Ireland!!!! I for a really amazing website out of Time magazine called Helpx.net. Basically to all I have to do is pay for plane tickets and I will get free room and board for work.

So as my most close friends know, my childhood left much to be desired, and did much to fuck me up. I wish my brother was dead, and do feel any pain or regret in loosing contact with him, he is a good for nothing asshole. My dad I feel basicaly the same way for, because he was the start of it all anyway.
   To this day I am royaly fucked up. I can't get close to a guy, everytime we try to go a little farther I get horrible feelings of being dirty, and more. Even just kissing can bring them on, and I don't know if they will ever go away. I hope one day, and one very soon they will, so I can have a normal relationship with a guy, but I don't really see that happening.
   So right now I am in MN, and sitting in V's room just messing around on the net waiting for her to get off of work so we can do a Buffy Fest tonight!!!......Yeah I know super lame, but I love being a geek ^_^ and Spike is some kind of sexy. Anyway I was surfing the net and decied to look up the meaing of names, the meaning of my name Amy, means Beloved in Latin. I am going to hopefuly in the next year or so change my last name, I want nothing to do with my father, and that means getting rid of the burded of his name. Because I looked up my frist name I thought what the hell lets look up my last name even though I hate it.  I got some intersting resluts looking up the name Koffel. 
   I came across my dad's shop website and it had pics of him and my grandparents, out of natural cureiasity I just decied to look up my dad Scott Koffel. Wow......I feel, sick.....and horribly depressed. On one forum all these people couldn't stop talking about what an awsome and amazing guy my dad is....just giving him all these great complaments. There were even pictures of him, all smiling and looking like a good 'ol guy and all that jazz. I wonder what all these people would think of my dad if they knew the truth about him.
    Looking at my dad's pictures and reading all the nice things about him made me wish so much things were different! Why did he have to be a fucking molseting sicko! Why did he get to go off scott free and leave me fucked up for the rest of my life! Why couldn't I have a dad that was a guy that loved me, and cared about me and wanted to be in my life and be proud of me being in college, and doing well and so on. I look at my friends like Jessie, Ruth and even Vanessa.....all of them have their dad's in their lifes, all of them love their dad's and there dad's love them, even if the said dad is an ass most of the time. If some were to ever happen to any of their fathers they would be sad and cry and visa versa. I have never had that.....and I never will. 
    For more then half of my life I have been working at getting stonge and to be able to take care of myself. My mom though a nut case and drives me insane in a very bad way loves me and I love her and has helpped me so much during my life, she has been a parent enought for two. I have condtioned myself to not want to have a dad, to not feel pain for the absence of a father....and you know most of the time it works like a charm......But then there are days like this that I wish things could be like they are in my books....where I had both a mother and a father that loved me. Hell I would even settle for a close friend of mine father taking an intrest in me like and adopted daughter that one of my friend's mom has.....but I don't know if that will ever happen. 
   If a man ever loves me and I love him and we decied to get married I hope to all that is powerful that he will have a big family and that he has a good father and mother that have both been active in his life.....so that maybe I can feel the echo of what it is like

Okay so today was my Japanese Oral Final for this semeter. I did really well. Yasuda Sensei said she was proud of me and gave me a high-five ^_^ So I am assuming I did well. After my class got done, me and a group of seven other people from my Japanese class went out and had dinner at Mongolian BBQ together. It was my frist time there. I LOVE IT!!!!

The people from my Japanese class are great, I love them all to death! ^_^ There is this one guy Jonh Dolson.....I have a cruch on this kid.....and I use the trem kid on purpose....he is still only a jonior in high school!!!!! He just turned 17 yesterday! But man this kid is great. He is really intelligent, loves to learn, very liberal and love Japan......Why the fuck can't he be 18? WHY!?! And to top it off....he is a little cutie ^_^

Anyway I now only have my Japanese written final then I am done for the semster. 

I am not looking forward to this saturday....I work at both of my jobs.....I will be working for 12 fucking hours....12!!!!! And not only that but I work the day before....and the day after...and the day after that....which basicaly means I am not going to be getting much time to recoperate. The only shining light I see is that I am going to be getting some really great money.

Well until next time!

So it has been a goddamn long time since I updated. This is due to the fact that I am, one, lazy, and two, nothing all that fantstic has happend to me as of late. For a few mounths now I have been throwing around a story idea. It's plot is basicly srounding the details of my realtionship to my two closets and dearest friends Jessie and Vanessa. In the story they are know as(at the moment) Jessa, and Vivica. And me? I call myself Ali in the story. But any hoot and nanny this is the very small bit of it that I have writen so far...and care to type up.




There is a point in everyone's life when they stop and ask, "What the FUCK am I doing?" Me? I ask myself that question at lest five times a day. I am Ali Kingston, clam, collected, rational and completely confident. I don't question I know! But those of you that are close to me(and you know who you are) know how much of crake job I really am. I don't think I would have really gotten through certain parts of my life and retained my humor and compassion without two very amazing women. My best friends. The fallowing that you will read is the insane, dull and sometimes heartbreaking tales of our terribly trio. The three of us have been, and forever will be the Unclaimed Treasures.

Part One

My 7th grade year was the start of a new beginning for myself, and boy was it! I like to think that what triggered my blossoming change was meeting Vivica. Vivica was skinny, pretty and cooler then me. Buy hey, that wasn't hard to do. I was round and plump and had been a social reject since I entered the hormonal circus called school. When I first met Vivica with her beautiful olive skin and dark kinky hair I couldn't stand her! The two of us were sat at the same four person table in math class, she wouldn't even say two words to me the fucking cunt! But I was stuck with her due to the fact that my math teacher had assigned seats, and believe there was no way to get out of them. I like to refer to this particular teacher as the She Devil.

Okay so that last week or so have been going pretty well. I have had to redouble my efforts in Bio because I am doing HORRIBLE in there....but I hope to pull out of the class with a C, just so I can have the cerdit I need. Besides that all my other classes are doing really well. Tomorrow(Ashita) is my last Fencing class, thank god! I can't wait to be done with that be damndedel sports! Japanese is a ton of fun, I am learning so much it is scary. We have started Kanji and it is much esier then I had thought is was going to be.

   In my last entry I said how I don't so much anymore want to study abroed in Japan.....yeah well that is a lie, I really really want to study there, I have just been in a werid mood. I think I was tring to romantise the whole issue. You know I have more of a chance to find someone to date in the UK then I do in Japan, but you know what that doesn't matter, I just want to go to Japan for the exsperance of it.  

     Nothing really all that intresting has happend to me as of late. Which is kind of sucky but you know what life it good so I am not to worried about it. I am really excited though! Vanessa is going to be coming up in a few weeks! I can't wait for the Unclaimed Terusures to hook up and hang out again!!! This will be one of the few more chances the three of us can really hang out all together.

    I went to an Anime Con this past weekend. It was a lot of fun but nothing to exciting, I, amazingly didn't spend more then $120 which is quite an achivement that I am very proud of. I bough a charm for my cellphone(FMA) a deck of anime palying cards(Saiyuki) and a new anime series called Samurai 7 which was pretty badass but like many anime had a stupid, no clousure ending. 

      Lately I have been really, really, really wanting to date someone. But I haven't had any offers yet, I guess I need to put on the charm huh? I know that sooner or later I will be asked out, but to me I feel like I am in high school all over again with the isuuse. And I have really beated to death this subject over and over agian and I am sure that everyone of my friends is sick of it but it is the one thing that is constatly on my mind. My whole thing about studing abroad should be proof of that huh? I guess I just wish someone would just hurry up and ask me out already, but it will happen when it happens and no matter how much I complaine and brood about it, it wont change.

       I got done with my Japanese homework early this weekend so that only thing I have left to do is touch up my Eng paper by Wensday class....and sence I have a four hour brake between my Bio and Japanese I do believe that I will be doing the fixing then. I am planning updating on there more and more. I really like having a journal....and knowing that people do read it. It makes me feel even if it is just a smalll bit...more important.

    Some local news the Moon Room(use to be Intigo Age) is now out of business. I am really sad about that. Once the owners changed everone stopped going. I am really going to miss seeing and talking to Rodney and Sonya that have got to be some of the most amazing people I have ever meet in my life. Honestly if is wasn't for them I wouldn't have becoming as agnostic and intrested in sprital things like I am now.
 
   For random news....I think I have gained weight....which I hate....but also don't. I can't help but feel that I am loosing weight more for other people then myself. Because evertime I think about deiting it is because of thses reasons. 1.) I think guys would think me more attractive and want to go out with me, 2.) I can fit into cute clothing that is so very 'in' 3.) When I go to Japan I won't be such an oddity besides being a forgeiner 4.) So people wont assume things about me before they even get to know me just becuse they see a fat girl. The last reason is the only thing that is for myself and that is the fact that I would be hleathier. Being hleathy is very important.....but honestly I remember when I was frist put on my blood pressure meds and it was beause I was getting weird headachs and the doc took a stab in the dark saying it was my blood pressure when it had never been an issue before that. So most of the time I feel like I am taking the meds for no reason.
  
    I have been able to do more reading lately, which I really love. I think I am going to more often got to the Coffee Tree to sip on a mohca while eiether doing my homework, or reading a novle of some sort. I really want to find a cool coffee shop by my school. The only thing I have found so far is a Starbucks, whcih honestly isn't that conferble to sit around at for an hour or more.
  
   Well anyway I guess I am should end this entry here sence I am just babbling on and on about fribaless thing.  

Okay so I just got done talking to Vanessa on the phone. Lately she has been speaking about university in MN and certain type of dorm life she is considering moving into within a year or two…..Well you see original she was only planning on going to community college in MN….and now she is just planning on staying there period. This hurts me in an unbelievable amount. When Vanessa was first considering going to MN for community college I discouraged her. I thought it was stupid to go the community college there just to come back to MI for university. It would have been smarter to stay in MI and go to community college then university out of state. But she really didn’t think about it, and really didn’t care and just went. I was cool with it thinking that well she needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet and take more responsibility so when she comes back she will be a bit more of and adult and responsible person. But you know the real reason as to why I didn’t want her to go was? I knew because she is so fucking flighty and just does things on a whim that as soon as she finally realized that staying in MN would be more convenient in her schooling period….that she would not come back to MI for university. And I fucking hate her for that. You see I know Vanessa even better I think then she really knows herself. I realized after only her first week in MN that she was going to say she was staying for all of her schooling…..and just beat around the bush and never brought the complete subject up with me. But unfortunately for her I see right through all of her stupid tactics. 

What I hate the most is when she says “I’m Sorry.” Because it is not a real “I’m Sorry”. It is a I pity you and feel bad for you because I know this isn’t what you wanted but that doesn’t matter I am still going to do this “sorry”. So in other words…..her sorry really doesn’t mean anything and it just pisses me off when she says it. She has no idea as to how much it hurts me really and how depressed it makes me feel! I am not lucky like her to be able to just leave MI and go to school, for two reasons. One I have no family out of state close to me who would take me and two…..I have no means as to get the student loans I would need to go to school out of state and just live in dorms. So I am staying here in MI. Soon I wont even have Jessie, but I think she needs to leave MI more then Vanessa did. And I had Jessie here while she was in community college so wasn’t and isn’t gone for all of hers schooling that takes five or more years. I fucking knew that Vanessa was not going to come back to MI, and she was just lying to me and her self trying to pretend that yeah she was so going to come back for university and it was all planed. Even before she really left for MN for community college I knew , even if it was just small thoughts that she was considering or had already decided that she was just going to stay in MN for all of her schooling.

I guess another thing that pisses me of is that fact that I seem to be the one that does all the work in keeping our friendship strong to s certain sense. Back in seventh grade I was trying to go to West so that I could keep going to school with Vanessa…but that didn’t work out, and she never even thought of facing her parents to see if she could go to east. And now with the college thing. I was the one that was even willing to move to MN with her to stay at her aunts so the two of us could go to school together. When she applied to OCC I was the one that brought up saving up money and getting and apartment together…..She never really put in an effort to try and go to school with me ever….and that hurts to, alone with pisses me off.

Right now she says how she misses Lapeer and her friends and family like crazy….but I know as soon as she makes some friends in MN it wont be so bad for her and she will love living there even more. Me? I can make friends and sometime be lucky in finding some really good ones like Jessie and Cora. Vanessa will find someone like that in MN if not by accident then by necessity almost. And me I am going to be staying in MI and yeah I have good friends….soon only Cora who I can’t connect with in the same ways I do Vanessa and Jessie but I will be the one with the most hurt. Vanessa and Jessie aren’t being the ones who are abandon….they are the ones doing the abandoning . And yeah I don’t want them to hold themselves back when they can experience something as cool as going to school outside of state….Jessie more then Vanessa because she has already had a lot of her schooling done here in MI, but with Vanessa is different it is like she lied to me. It was going to be two years then she would be back, and now it is going to be more along the lines of five and by that time I will have my degree and will be leaving MI to find a job out of state…..when I will finally be able to leave MI, where before I had no means. 

The fact that Vanessa is staying in MN to go to school just shows me a future of just a long distance friendship that will never be the same. Where I am going to school in MI and Vanessa’s family is here, I will get to see her throughout periods of the year, but when I have my degree I will have to leave MI to find a job, and that is when Vanessa finally plans on heading back. If I felt that our friendship would fade after seventh grade because we were going to different high schools….now it feels like it is inevitable to happen. I almost feel like Vanessa is purposely pushing away because she feels we relay and depend on each other to much. And she doesn’t think it is healthy and doesn’t think society and most people can understand…..she has always been afraid of what people think a lot….more then she will ever admits I know. So because of this I am going to end up suffering more then her. So when she says “I’m sorry”…..that just doesn’t’ cut it with me and I just don’t really buy it. I feel like for the first time in years Vanessa was keeping something from me…..and she was to a certain existent…..and I think she will keep more things from me as time goes on…..I have never kept anything from her. What I think and feel she will know and I will tell her…..I don’t feel like that is the same with her. We were each others secret keepers….now it is like she is just keeping secrets. She wont have me to spill her guts to…..but I know she will to her aunt, and her aunt with be kind and understanding and tell her what she thinks….like I would…..and I will have no one’s shoulder to cry and really no one to spill things to.

So I don’t care how much Vanessa says that she misses me and wishes that we could hang out and stuff and be around each other to relay on….in the end she already has some of what I gave her in her aunt and other things will come with friends that she will make. Yeah she will say I can’t be replace….but if Vanessa finds someone she connects with in MN I will almost be erased to a point and that is just a fact.

Right now I am crying, and you know what? I am pretty sure that Vanessa will not cry over the fact that I am hurt or sad….all she will do is feel bad, and that just doesn’t really mean anything. She hates to cry and wont do so unless some horrible traumatic event happens, and if our friendship fades over time I know I am going to be the only one to have cried over it.

So yesterday I didn't have to work and really didn't have much to do so I went to a party with my mom. It was at a friend of her's house. It was really fun, I got drunk and a bit high. The adults(so to say) left about 9pm to go to a club so I hung out with they guys once they were gone. We had fun, had some beers joked and all that jazz. Well once the adults got back it was just me and Kyle left. Kyle is the son of my mom's friend.

I was trying to sober up so I could drive home. I didn't really want to stay the night. But I ended up hanging out with Kyle for a long while. We went down stairs and laided in bed and chatted and listen to music. Well he kept falling alseep so I thought I should try. He keep putting his arm around me while he thought I was sleeping and he pretending. Part of me wanted him to, and to feel me up and all that crap.....the other part, the greater one kept haveing horrible flash backs of my brother......you see my brother use to pretend to be alseep when he touched me.....and god it reminded me of him so much!

I am such a fucking sick fuck! I wanted to be felt up by this guy but I was repulsed when ever he touched me. I am so sick of feeling this way! What the fuck is wrong with me!!! Can't I just be normal when it comes to guys? Please? I just want to be like other girls when they are with guys, not feeling dirty, or disughting, or horrible. I really want to know what that feels like. I want to know if I will ever be able to get with a guy.

        Okay so today I had to put my cat Ty to sleep. He was dieing, he hadn't ate for drank for days and was in a lot of pain. So instead of just sitting around and waiting for him to die while hurting I took him to the shelter and put him to sleep. It was one to the hardest things I had to do. Ty had been my pet since I was four-years-old. And he wasn't a family pet, no, he was mine. He didn't really care about another person in the house except for me we just bonded.....and now he is gone. 


       I don’t know weather it can be considered a good thing or a bad thing but....once I try once I am over whatever it was that got me down. I cried good and hard over Ty and now I am just fine. I don't need to cry anymore.....and I am no longer sad......I wonder what is going to happen to me when someone I am close to, like my Grandpa, passes away. Will I do the same thing? Cry and bit then be over it? I wont know until it happens....and hopefully that will be many years in the future.


      On a happier note. Vanessa and I went and saw "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" Fucking funny as hell movie! I loved it!! I hope some guys will watch it and realize how much of an asshole they can be just by finding out if some guy is gay. I fucking hate homophobes, their fear is unfounded and stupid.


      After the movie me and V went to the BK Lounge for some eats. While we were eating Andy(V's boy toy) called up. Next thing you know he his walking into BK. Before I go on with the story you should know that Vanessa always has had a watch. Since we were 12 she always had a watch on her, and the sad thing is....that even though she always has the time she is always constantly late!!! But her most recent and last watch died not to long ago and she has yet to replace it. But then in comes Andy and Ta Da!! He bought her a watch as a going away present(which I think he would have bought her a new one anyway but hey this one gave me an excuse).


        This Andy kid is a real sweetheart and is wonderful to Vanessa.....and Vanessa is completely head over heels for this guy. The only thing is.....she is moving this Sunday to live in MN. She finally found the perfect guy and is now leaving him behind. Don't get me wrong I think she is doing the right thing in not letting a guy keep her behind while she have a great opportunity to move somewhere new to go to school. But it really sucks because she loves him and is so happy when she talks to him or is around him. Fate is a cruel thing, and it is very cruel in Vanessa's circumstance. I wish for some fairy tale ending for them where, though she goes off to school they stay in touch and keep in contact so that in two years when she comes back.....Andy will be there for her to pick up where they left off and live happily ever after.....but I am not so sure that will happen. I mean I hope at lest they will stay in contact and be friends. I mean hey if she comes back and they are both unattached they could end up hooking up again who knows!


         Even though it sucks with what is going to happen with V and Andy I would give almost anything to be in her shoes. Andy is a extremely smart, very good-looking, and fun guy.....and he is completely into Vanessa....in fact I am positive that he loves her. And Vanessa is ga-ga over the guy. What I wouldn't give to have a guy like that for my own. Someone to call me and joke with me. Some one to cuddle with and to kiss......Someone I know thinks I am beautiful and loves me.....God.....I just want to know what that feels like. I look around at my friends and all but one of them has some kind of guy in their life......but me? Me I can't even get a guy to really look at me. And that hurts a lot more then I let on most of the time. Hopefully someday(soon) I will find a guy who will at me and think to himself 'man she is great' but I don't know. I just don't want to end up alone, that scares me more then anything.....to end up with nobody, to know that no man will or has loved me.....that would really suck. But you know what? I am a very optimistic person! No matter what I look on the Brightside, and I am sure I will find someone someday and until that days comes I will just keep on searching!!